Musings on Grief...

Because society so often associates grief with death, and because most of us have had a loved one die by the time we reach adulthood, most of us associate grief with death. Many people with no other training in psychology can talk at least basically about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression acceptance) and know that moving through grief can take a long time.

All true. But:

• Kubler-Ross' work, On Death and Dying, was originally developed to help people deal with a terminal diagnosis, not the death of a loved one. Her work became generalized to deal with death of a loved one (human or animal; we grieve the loss of pets, too) and other situations causing grief, which we'll talk about later.

• These stages are not linear. People move back and forth, skip stages, or experience some simultaneously.

• Not everyone experiences all five.

  
  

The Difficulty of Grief

I've been thinking about grief recently because three people in my life have died unexpectedly in the last ten days. Death is often difficult to deal with as a secular humanist, because most of us don't believe in an afterlife. When my mother died, I was 19 and still a Christian. I was a struggling Christian, but enough that I was confident that we'd meet again in some sort of afterlife, and that was comforting.

Most of what I gave up when I became an atheist five years ago, I managed easily. But the idea of not seeing my loved ones again in some sort of afterlife? Even after five years, that's still a tough one. It's prompted me to really re-examine how I live with the absence in my life of the people I love.

But we don't just experience grief as a reaction to death. Grief is a reaction to loss: loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a way of life. Change is difficult, and we it happens we mourn for what was familiar, for what brought us joy, for what enriched our lives. It's especially difficult if new circumstances are unwelcome and require a great deal of adjustment. I do disability transition coaching for example, because acquiring a disability can at first be very unwelcome for people, involving new social and familial roles, increased dependence on others, and even job loss.

Grief can even accompany transitions we'd otherwise see as positive. New parents might grieve the reduced time they have for friends and hobbies. A person who moves to a new city to start their dream job might grieve the relationships and community involvement they left behind.

Change is difficult; grief is natural. It is not a problem to "fix" but a process to live through, and help is available if you need it. You are not alone.

Talking About Grief

Late night host Stephen Colbert has spoken with CNN's Anderson Cooper several times about grief and grieving. I love this conversation in particular - it cracked my mind open the first time I saw it in 2020, even though Colbert's a Catholic and I'm an atheist, and I've probably watched it a hundred times since. What do you think of it?